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NO ONE SETS OUT TO SABOTAGE their relationship. We all want our marriages and relationships to work.
However, our actions do not always reflect this reality. With all your good efforts, you could be unconsciously driving your husband away.
So exactly what is driving him away? Here are the things that you can control that push him away.
The things that women do to push their husbands away.
You are too needy.
When you have been married for some time, you may feel the need to cling to your husband to maintain your relationship. You could also be needy because you are responding to a change that you have observed in your husband.
It is also likely that you feel an emptiness that you think that only your husband can fill for you. Unfortunately, your husband can only do so much for you, and if he is already giving you loads of attention, your clinginess and anxiety is bound to be frustrating.
Neediness will push your husband away. It is very exhausting to have to assure another person continually. According to Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, needy people become so dependent and clingy that they drive their partners away. Excessive need for assurance and affection is such a burden to have to deal with on a daily basis.
According to Psychology Today, there are two significant causes of neediness:
One’s childhood: Did you consistently lose the battle for attention from your parents when you were a child? Could it be that your dad was never home? Or you were probably bullied in school, and you still carry scars. All these wounds can trigger the desperation to cling on the one person that you know loves you – your husband.
You have fostered rejection in your husband: You were perfectly fine until you fell in love. Then you became vulnerable, and you started worrying that he will leave. So, you began to cling even harder. But your clingy dependency annoys him, and he distances himself. So you become desperate, and you push even more. He gets no space because you always need to talk, and you always need an answer.
You have the right to your husband’s attention.
You have a right to receive attention from your husband. However, how you ask for it matters a lot. If you feel that your husband is not attentive, explain calmly the kind of attention you need. Then give positive feedback when you get the attention.
Also, make a point of addressing issues as they arise. This improves the psychological wellbeing of both you, and enhances the quality of your marriage.
Do not place the burden of your happiness on your husband. When you expect your husband to be your completion, then you become terrified of losing him.
Your marriage should not be your sole source of joy in this world because you will then inevitably cling to it desperately. Desperation smothers the life out of love and kills attraction and a marriage.
Denying your husband space.
Space issues plague every couple at one time or another. Many couples have grappled with questions of how much time to spend together and how much physical affection each partner desires.
You are a couple, and not clones.
Many couples make the mistake of thinking that they should spend all their time together. Some spouses even believe that they should have the same needs and desires since they are married. Patricia Farrell, the author of ‘How to be Your Own Therapist,’ indicates that couples should find the balance between togetherness and individuality. A couple must figure out where the ‘us’ and the ‘I’ begin.
Marriage therapists indicate that time apart from your husband can inject a new life to your togetherness. Wendy Allen, a psychotherapist, says that for a marriage to be whole, each partner should endeavor to be a healthy, whole individual who consequently will make positive contributions to the marriage.
Christopher Knippers, the author of ‘Cultivating Confidence,’ indicates that physical and emotional space is a basic human need. As such, when any of the partners assume that all their needs will be fulfilled through their spouse, they set up their relationship for disappointment and failure.
When your husband requests for more space, be assured that he is not rejecting you. It is just something that he needs for himself – and – ultimately for you.
Call him every single hour
Ask him where he is every minute
Get angry if he delays to text you back
Show up at his job unannounced now and then
Act hurt when he doesn’t invite you to hang out with his friends
Insist that you share hobbies
Try to box your husband into a corner and watch how fast you will lose him
You are too judgemental
How you treat your husband when you are hurt can either bring the two of you closer together or drive a massive wedge between the two of you.
How do you handle disappointments by your husband? Do you yell at him, stomp around, roll your eyes at him or enter the silent sulk mode whenever he makes a mistake?
Everyone makes mistakes in a relationship, and it is perfectly fine to bring it your husband’s attention when it happens. However, judging him harshly and berating him every single time will not only demoralize your husband but also alienate him.
I would like you to sit back and ask yourself some questions:
How does it benefit you to belittle your husband constantly?
Why do you feel the need to micromanage the way he does every little thing?
Are you accomplishing anything by being overly critical of him?
Is it reasonable for you to expect your husband to do everything just the way you want it?
And how does your constant judgment benefit your husband? Does it make him think, ‘Wow! I am sure am glad my wife is always here to set me straight!’
Being critical of your husband will only create more distance between the two of you. Purpose to always give him the benefit of the doubt, laugh things off and make it work with what you have.
One of the biggest turn off for a husband is a wife who acts entitled. Your husband will love that you have high standards, but he still wants you to appreciate him. According to marital experts, men absolutely crave appreciation. Appreciation is the essential fuel that a man needs to keep going in a relationship.
Entitlement and ungratefulness are probably the most unattractive traits in your husband’s eyes. Appreciating you man opens him up and activates his desire to bond with you and commit to the marriage.
Engaging in a power struggle with your husband
Are you the kind of wife who always wants to prove that she is smart, independent and tough? It irritates your husband when you are constantly trying to upstage him. Power struggle takes many forms:
Competing with him in disagreements – who gets the last word?
Always being condescending – cutting down your husband’s thoughts and opinions
Flaunting your career, education, and money to be the superior person in the relationship. These kind of behavior are a complete turnoff. A power struggle is an energy drain for your husband and your relationship. You and your husband are a team. Don’t ever forget that.
Take stock of how you treat your husband. If you have some bad, it is only a matter of time before you push your husband away.
Be kind, show your husband compassion, respect him and be responsible for your happiness. Being mindful of these small things will significantly help you to strengthen the bond with your husband.
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