You know how to attract a guy’s attention, but do you know how to make him want to go out with you? Find out how to make a man fall in love with you using these simple steps.
It’s easy to attract a guy and make him like you.
The hard part is knowing how to make a man fall in love with you.
You don’t have to change yourself or pretend to be dumb just to make a man you like feel comfortable around you.
If you really want to make a man fall in love with you, you need to understand men and their ways, and use it to your advantage.
How to make a man fall in love
Use these ten tips and you’ll see how easy it can be to connect with a man and make him desire you.
And what’s the best part? Well, you really don’t need to change a thing about yourself!
#1 Dress attractively
Men are visual, and women know this better than anything else.
When you’re out with the man you like, dress your best. If you see him grinning widely or taking discreet glances at your attire, you know you’ve hit the nail.
But dressing attractively doesn’t just stop working its magic there.
If he sees other men staring at you or admiring you, it’ll only make him desire you more. Men are extremely competitive when it comes to wooing women.
Win the attention of other men in the room, and the man you like will do anything to get more attention from you. And of course, he’ll realize how lucky he is to be with you.
#2 Be pleasant and smile often
Men can’t ever resist a cute smile. And if you can be pleasant and warm when you’re with him, he’ll love you for it.
If you want to know how to make a man fall in love with you, tuck your hair behind your ear as you answer an awkward question, blush a bit when you’re being complimentary, and laugh at his jokes even if you’ve heard it before.
If a guy is attracted to you, he’d obviously want to impress you with his funny, heroic tales. By reassuring him that you’re having a nice flirty time, you’d make him feel better about himself. And a man always love a woman who can make him feel like a better man!
#3 Don’t be rude
Men are completely put off by rude or arrogant women. If you can be rude to your date or even a waiter, he wouldn’t be able to help but wonder if it’s only the tip of the rude iceberg. Men definitely love a woman who can take a stand, but if it’s in the form of arrogance, he’d stay a mile away from falling in love.
#4 Connect with him intellectually
Flirty conversations are sweet and cute, and the man you like will love the fact that he’s able to make you blush and go pink. But all flirting and no seriousness can get boring after a while.
On your dates together, try and connect with him intellectually now and then. Speak to him about his career goals, his ambitions and aspirations, and let him see that he can actually have a meaningful life-altering conversation with you.
#5 Work your eye contact
It’s been seen that romantic eye contact can actually make two people fall in love with each other in no time. The next time you’re having a conversation with him, stare deeply into his eyes as he talks to you. You can smile or flirt, but every time your eyes meet, let the eye contact linger even if both of you aren’t exchanging words. It makes the guy feel warm and fuzzy, and would definitely stir his heart.
#6 Lingering soft touches
If there’s ever a way of knowing how to make a man fall in love with you and be a flirty tease at the same time, this is it. Men can’t resist a lingering woman’s touch. The next time you’re with him, be it clasping palms, hugging each other goodbye, or just crossing the street, let your touch linger softly for a moment longer than necessary. Your touch would be incredibly exciting for the man you like, and you’ll spark a romantic chemistry in no time. [Read: How to flirt with a guy]
Want to take this up a notch? Wear soft or satiny fabric when you go out on a date with the guy you like. He would have a hard time keeping his hands off you!
#7 Don’t be easily available
This is tricky, but it’s definitely a great way to make a man fall in love with you. When you’re in love with someone, you obviously want to be with that person and spend more time with them. But when you can’t be with the person you like, you end up missing the person a lot more.
Once you know the guy likes you a lot too, try to skip an occasional date now and then. While it’s important to spend a lot of time together until the guy falls in love with you, it’s equally important to give some space now and then to make sure he understands how special you are, and how much he really needs you.
#8 Show off your talents
If you want to know how to make a man fall in love with you, learn to surprise him with your talent. He may like you for the person you are, but to completely make him fall for you, you have to let him know that you’re a bundle of happy surprises, waiting to be explored.
Show off your talent and awe him with the things you do, be it at a karaoke bar or while dancing or even while karting or playing the piano. Give him a chance to see your talent and admire you for the awesome person you are.
#9 Don’t always agree with him
Compatibility is of great essence in a happy relationship. But you don’t always have to accept what the guy says or do what he wants to do. Sometimes, a minor disagreement can take him off guard, but it’ll make him respect your opinions a lot more.
Remember, a man likes to flirt with a fun girl and have a serious conversation with an intellectual girl. Give him the best of both worlds, and seriously, how can he not fall in love with you?
#10 Don’t let him know you’ve fallen for him
Men love the chase of a good romance. They take time to fall in love, but when they do, men fall hard in love. To understand how to make a man fall in love with you, you need to know the stages of love for men. [Read: How men fall in love]
Let the guy you like know that you like him a lot, but never let him know that you’ve fallen head over heels for him. Always make him wonder about how serious you are, and let him be the first one to make the move into a serious relationship. The longer the chase, the more he would want you. But at the same time, push him away too often, and he’ll give up on the chase. Play hard to get, and yet, warm up to him often.
You really don’t have to change a thing about who you are to figure out how to make a man fall in love with you. All you need is patience, a pinch of panache, and the perfect balance of affection and playing hard to get.
These ten tips on how to make a man fall in love with you can definitely help you work your magic and make the guy you like fall for you, just as long as you read the signs and make the right move.
You may like a guy a lot, but how do you get him to ask you out? Find out how to get a guy to ask you out using these really sneaky and smart ways.
There are many ways to ask a guy out.
But to ensure that it works on a guy, you have to remember to never make it obvious that you have a huge crush on him.
Let a guy know that you’re interested in him.
But don’t let him know you need him. Not at least until he starts reciprocating your move.
A guy may want to ask you out, but when he realizes that you like him a lot more than he likes you, he’d start to take it easy just to see what you’d do about it.
And that’s something you should never forget.
How to get a guy to ask you out
There are two things a girl has to do to wow a guy and get him to ask her out.
You have to drop a few signs.
And you have to become desirable in his eyes.
The little signs that matter
Drop a few signs so he starts to look at you as a dating potential.
Sometimes, a guy may assume you’d never be interested in being anything more than friends with him.
To help him see the dating side in you, here are a few tips you could use.
#1 Get your friend to call you both a couple
When you’re having a fun chat with the guy you like, ask a trusted girl friend to join both of you in the conversation. It would be preferable if there are other friends around too. And out of the blue, let your trusted friend comment to no one in particular in the group and say something like, “these two make a cute couple, don’t they?”
It’s an awkward statement, and one that’ll definitely lead to a few laughs around the group. But all said and done, no matter how embarrassed you pretend to be or how he behaves, the thought will still linger in his head.
#2 Using a friend to tease him
Now don’t use all these strategies all the time. Just use a few that you’re comfortable with.
The next time you’re having a conversation with this guy, tell your friend beforehand to butt into the conversation. Ask your friend to tell the guy that it’s so obvious he likes you, and ask him when he’s ever going work up his courage to ask you out?! Of course, she has to make it seem like a joke, and yet, pose it as a serious question.
It’s straightforward and easy, and yet, you didn’t really ask him out yourself. If he does like you, he’ll use this opportunity to ask you out himself.
#3 Invite him to join you
If you’ve made any plans with your friends for the weekend, casually bring the subject up when you’re hanging out with him and invite him to come out with all of you. Tell him it’ll be fun to hang out together and check out a new place. It’s nowhere close to a proposal, but it’s still a step closer to making him like you.
#4 Weekend plans
Ask him what he does over the weekend. And when he does tell you what he does on the weekend, fake a happy surprise and tell him you like doing that too! If you’re not sure of his weekend activity, you could just tell him that you’ve always wanted to try that.
This only works if both of you share a few common interests. You obviously can’t stretch a lie here, so be careful when it comes to sharing activities over the weekend.
If he is interested in you, he may invite you to join him on his weekend activity. And who knows, it may just lead to something more romantic.
#5 Let him know your routine
If a guy has to ask you out, he has to miss you now and then. Do you live nearby? Then this would be the perfect way to get to spend more together time with him. During one of your conversations, let him know what you do every evening after work or college, especially if you have a neighborhood café where you like relaxing after the regular 9 to 5, or hit a particular gym every day.
If he lives nearby, there’s a good chance he may have some time on his hands and he may even look forward to spending time with you. If you drop a hint and let him know about your routine, he may even end up bumping into you on a regular basis. And almost all the time, love emerges with more together time, doesn’t it?
#6 Get him to drive you nearby
Stepping out of office to run an errand after work? Try bumping into him on your way out and ask him to come along with you or drive you nearby to help you out. And after finishing up your errand, ask him out for coffee. Insist and tell him it’s the least you can do for helping you out. And once you’re out there on a *date* with him, make him see your good side and be awed by you.
#7 Play the damsel in distress
Ask him for help. This is a trick that always works. Guys just can’t help themselves when a pretty girl asks for a bit of help. Ask him if he can fix your wooden window panels or some other thing you can think of. If he does like you back, he’ll use any excuse to be with you. And after he’s done helping you, thank him with your sweetest smile and reward him with coffee or a homemade lunch.
#8 Fake sickness and look sexy!
This is a dirty move, but hey, if it’s a great way to get him into your place, what’s wrong with it, right? When you’re in a conversation with him at the end of the day or when you’re out with him, pretend like you have a terrible headache or use the evergreen stomach cramp excuse.
He’ll ask you if you need help getting home, and of course, you should indulge his request. And once he takes you home, invite him in and change into your cute-n-revealing pj’s and let him see how beautiful you look. Don’t wear anything sexy or he’ll just call your bluff! He can hang out a while and leave after a conversation to give you company.
#9 Let him know you’re looking out
Let him know that you’re looking out and ready for a relationship. Once you’ve warmed him up with lots of together time and happy conversations, if there’s ever a chance of being together, he should know that you’re available for him if he musters the courage to ask you out.
Most of the time, a guy may like you too, but may be scared to pop the question. By dropping a few hints about waiting to meet the one and flaunting your single status at the same time, he may eventually work his courage up to ask you out.
So Are you ready to get a guy to ask you out?
These are all great ways to build more intimacy and create a stronger relationship between both of you. But you have to remember that you also need to constantly create the right sexual tension between the both of you so either of you don’t fall into the dreaded friend zone.
The feelings of love may be the same for both sexes but the stages of love are an
entirely unique experience. Understand how men think and how men fall in love.
When women fall in love, it’s filled with bursts of happiness and miss-you texts.
When men fall in love, well, it’s just different. So how do men fall in love and what really goes on in a man’s mind?
For men, falling in love is a happy experience, but love doesn’t really kick in for a while.
While women may experience an intense surge of affections as soon as they meet a guy they like, the mind of men doesn’t really work that way.
Find out how men fall in love and the different stages they experience here.
How men fall in love – The seven stages of love
Stage 1 – Appreciation
This is all about physical appearance and instant attraction. Now this should clear the doubts out for women though. Men are rather shallow when it comes to getting attracted at first sight.
While women may fall in love in the first conversation, men are attracted to a woman only for her physical aspects, and nothing else.
Physical appearance is paramount for men, but it may not necessarily be the entire package. Each guy has his own preferences in what he likes about a woman, be it her face, her legs, her smile or even the way she runs her hands through her hair.
A guy may not even know what it is about a girl that he likes, but if he finds something attractive in her, he may experience the appreciation stage.
Stage 2 – Infatuation
Men appreciate a lot of women on a daily basis. They try to steal second glances or get a girl’s attention all the time. But it’s not always a success, either because he’s not trying hard enough or because the woman’s just not interested in him. The infatuation stage of how men fall in love is also the wooing stage of love for men in the dating game.
A man may appreciate a lot of women, but he doesn’t really get infatuated by all of them. If he appreciates a woman, and is interested in wooing her or pursuing her, he enters into the infatuation phase.
A man may pursue a woman in various ways, but if she doesn’t accept his advances he usually forgets the girl as just another attractive girl he wanted to go out with. It’s easier for a man to like a girl one day and forget he ever liked her the next because he has so many stages to deal with before he even makes up his mind on falling in love.
Stage 3 – Attraction
If an attractive girl reciprocates to a guy’s advances, he enters into the attraction stage of love. Until this stage, a guy can walk away from a girl without any pain or heartbreak even if the girl rejects him. He’s not really trying too hard, and he’s not really fallen in love to care about a rejection when he’s just trying to get lucky.
But if a girl does show the slightest sign of reciprocation or interest in the guy, or even if he assumes she’s into him, the guy digs deep into this stage, the attraction stage. In this stage, he decides to pursue the girl and make her like him.
Stage 4 – Impression
Understanding how men fall in love is complicated stuff, but quite frankly, he’s nowhere close to falling in love right now even in this stage. All he wants to do is make the girl like him. He shows off his mating potential to her. He plans dates and splurges on gifts to please the girl. He’s definitely not in love, but he does want something good to come out of this stage of impressions.
Stage 5 – Conviction
If a guy’s successfully breezing through the different stages of love, he’d start to wonder if there’s something more in the air. But instead of falling in love with the girl, all he’s worried about is how to convince the girl to fall in love with him.
He would really like the girl in this stage and would definitely want to go out with her, but the uncertainty would still confuse him and he would not be at ease until he’s certain the girl likes him.
This stage is especially prominent when a guy falls in love with a friend. He can’t really try to impress her by buying gifts or taking her out on dates, but yet, he wouldn’t be able to stop pondering over how to convince the girl to go out with him. In this stage, all a guy cares about is how to get the girl to like him.
Stage 6 – Reaffirmation
If he’s able to convince the girl and make her fall in love with him, he’s a happy man. He likes where the dating game is heading.
But until now, in his pursuit of getting the girl to like him, he’s not asked himself if he really likes the girl and whether he actually wants to go out with her. Until this stage of love, getting the girl to like him was a goal he’s been focused on. Once the girl is in love with him, only then does a man seriously start to consider if he wants to have a relationship with the girl who now loves him.
It’s a selfish move, but it’s something evolution has taught all male species. “Don’t waste time thinking. Spend your time searching for more places to bust a nut.”
Now that the girl is in love with him, he takes a couple of days to sit back and weigh the pros and the cons of being in a relationship with that girl. Does he really love the girl too? Will he be happy with her? Is she the woman he wants and needs?
Stage 7 – He’s ready to love
If a man’s convinced that he truly likes the girl and wants to be with her, he enters this final stage of love where he’s ready to fall in love with the girl. On the other hand, if he’s not really convinced that the girl is the right mate for him, he may start avoiding her or losing interest in pleasing her because of his confusion.
Ever dated a really great guy who started behaving like a jerk a couple of weeks into love? Well, you know what happened now, don’t you?
Turning the game in your favor
How men fall in love with a woman is annoying. And it’s more annoying to know that men have to actually make women fall in love with them before they even think about going out with you, but that’s the way men fall in love and they really have no choice about it.
But if you really want to beat the guy in his own game, don’t make it obvious that you really like him at the very first instant. Keep it simple and play hard to get for a while.
It’ll make him work harder to win your love, and when he does finally win you over, he’ll never ever want to leave you because you’re such a tough catch to get or let go!
Well, you may now know how men fall in love with women and the seven stages of love for a man, but if you want to win his heart over and make him want you, always remember to make him work for your affection.
Relationship comes in different forms. When one hears about toxic relationship the first thing that comes to mind is What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship contaminates your self-esteem, your happiness and the way you see yourself and the world. A toxic person will float through life with a trail of broken hearts, broken relationships and broken people behind them, but toxic relationships don’t necessarily end up that way because the person you fell for turned out to be a toxic one.Relationships can start healthy, but bad feelings, bad history, or long-term unmet needs can fester, polluting the relationship and changing the people in it. It can happen easily and quickly, and it can happen to the strongest people.
So what are the signs that I’m in a toxic relationship?
Well, it is normal for relationships to be challenging. But when they exceed a certain level of stress, they negatively impact every aspect of your life: your business, your friendships, your health, even your mental stability.
One study shows that staying in a bad marriage can raise your stress level to the point where you’re more likely to get heart disease (the number one killer of both men and women in the U.S.). Marriage and family therapist Sharon Rivkin says, “If you’re in a bad marriage, don’t underestimate the stress that you are carrying around.”
If you’re seeing the following signs of a toxic relationship, it may be time to seek help:
1. Passive aggressive behavior
If you can feel something is wrong but when you ask, “What’s going on?” the other person says, “Nothing,” but then punishes you by giving you the silent treatment … that’s passive aggression. One problem with it is that it doesn’t leave much room for resolution of the conflict. If you don’t know what’s wrong, you can’t fix it.
Passive aggressive behavior is often accompanied by gaslighting, or making the other person think they’re crazy for even bringing it up. If you constantly feel like there’s something off but when you try to talk to your partner about it you get shut down, you may be in a toxic relationship.
A relationship with extremely high highs and extremely low lows that tend to repeat has a high likelihood of being toxic. This is especially true if you find it hard to predict when your partner will be upset.
Uncertainty has been demonstrated, over and over, to be very hard on not just human beings, but all animals. Study after study shows that not knowing what’s going to happen, or how to avoid pain, spikes your levels of glucocorticoids (stress hormones).
A healthy relationship includes conflict, of course, but not all the time–and not to an acute degree.
3. “Jokes” that aren’t really jokes
If your partner makes belittling comments about you but then claim they were “just joking,” there’s a problem. Emotional bullies not only drop subtle insults, but they often then try to make their victims look stupid or like they’re overreacting.
The way you can tell: a good joke will make you feel included; a toxic joke will make you feel small, angry, and powerless.
4. Walking on eggshells
Ever hide your phone because you’re afraid of what your significant other is going to say about a text from someone else? Are you afraid of going out with people after work because s/he might get jealous?
Healthy relationships are built on trust and open communication. If you often find yourself trying to predict what will make your partner angry and avoiding that (even if it doesn’t always work), it could be a toxic situation. You don’t do that kind of thing with your friends; why is OK with your significant other?
5. You feel like you have to ask permission
A mature adult relationship is comprised of two adults, and adults do not have to ask one another for permission. Yes, relationships require compromise and you should consider your partner when making big life decisions like whether to move across the country or switch jobs. But if you feel like you need permission to make plans with friends, or find yourself feeling uncomfortable about making simple choices without “seeing if it’s OK” with your significant other, there’s something wrong.
6. Constant exhaustion
Trying to predict someone else’s behavior (or mood changes) is tiring. Do it over and over for months or years, and you will become exhausted.
In healthy relationships, both partners feel normal and relaxed most of the time. In toxic ones, the “good periods” that were so common at the beginning start to be fewer and further between, and rarely last long. If you constantly feel drained and exhausted in your relationship, it’s time to think about exiting.
7. Becoming isolated
Part of the problem with the exhaustion is your motivation level for seeing anyone else, including friends and family. If your partner discourages you from seeing those close to you, that’s a major red flag. But the more insidious issue is when you yourself stop making an effort to see the people you love out of sheer exhaustion.
The first step when it comes to getting out of a toxic relationship is admitting there’s a problem. Be careful, take care of yourself, and get help if you need it.
With that said, there are few other things you needs to know about toxic relationships.
Toxic relationships will cause monumental breakage to people, families and workplaces, but they aren’t necessarily the territory of the weak, downtrodden or insecure. Strong, healthy, independent people can find themselves in the white-knuckled grip of a toxic relationship. Similarly, relationships that seem to begin strong because ‘omg we’re soooo in love you guys,’ can dissolve into nothing but ash and legal fees that could have bought a castle on the river Seine, if they weren’t being used to divide half your assets more ‘half-ly’.
Relationships evolve. They change and they grow. Sometimes they crash and they burn. We never know how things will look when each other’s less adorable, kind of awful habits start to show themselves publicly, or under the influence of alcohol or in-laws.
Some relationships are all shades of wrong from the outset (‘Darlin’ you’re so pretty. You’re the image of my ex. See? Here’s her photo. You can keep that one. I have plenty – in my wallet, as my screen saver, on my bedside table, at my mum’s house, on my desk, on my fridge and yeah, all over the place. Sometimes I just, like, hold it in front of me and run backwards and pretend like she’s chasing me. Wanna get some tequila baby?’) Some start off with promise and with all the right ingredients, but somewhere along the way, the right ingredients get replaced with resentment, jealousy, history and hurt.
We love love. Of course we do. Love sends us to joyous, lofty heights that we never want to come down from, but the same heart that can send us into a loved-up euphoria can trip us up and have us falling into something more toxic. The hot pursuit of love can be blinding. Even worse, sometimes it’s not until you’re two kids and a mortgage into the relationship, that you realize something has been missing for a while, and that something is you.
Can I fix it?
All relationships are worth the fight, until they’re not. In a toxic relationship there will always be fallout:
moodiness, anger, unhappiness become the norm;
you avoid each other more and more;
work and relationships outside the toxic relationship start to suffer.
If the relationship is toxic, it is highly likely that all the fight in the world won’t change anything because one or both people have emotionally moved on. Perhaps they were never really there in the first place, or not in the way you needed them to be anyway.
Even worse, if your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it.
Fighting to hold on to something that is not fighting to hold on to you will ruin you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go with grace and love and move on.
Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. To stay in a toxic relationship is to keep your hand hovering over the self-destruct button. Not all toxic relationships are easy to leave, but being aware of the signs will make it easier to claim back your power and draw a bold heavy line around what’s allowed into your life and what gets closed out.
Toxic behaviour exists on a spectrum. All people and all relationships do some of these things some of the time – but that doesn’t make them toxic. A toxic relationship is defined by the consistency, the intensity and the damage.
Sexual scene of young adult couple
Here are other signs why a Toxic Relationship has become Toxic
8. It feels bad. All the time.
You fall asleep hollow and you wake up just as bad. You look at other couples doing their happy couple thing and you feel the sting. Why couldn’t that sort of love happen for you? It can, but first you have to clear the path for it to find you. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying for too long in a toxic relationship will make sure any strength, courage and confidence in you is eroded down to nothing. Once that happens, you’re stuck.
9. You’re constantly braced for the ‘gotcha’.
Sometimes you can see it coming. Sometimes you wouldn’t see it if it was lit with stadium floodlights. Questions becomes traps. (‘Well would you rather go out with your friends or stay home with me?’) Statements becomes traps. (‘You seemed to enjoy talking to your boss tonight.’) The relationship is a jungle and somewhere along the way you’ve turned into a hunted thing in a skin suit. When the ‘gotcha’ comes, there’s no forgiveness, just the glory of catching you out. It’s impossible to move forward from this. Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. The only thing you really are is too good to be treated like this.
10. You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point.
We all have important needs in relationships. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. If your attempts to talk about what you need end in a fight, a(nother) empty promise, accusations of neediness, insecurity, jealousy or madness you’ll either bury the need or resent that it keeps being overlooked. Either way, it’s toxic.
11. There’s no effort.
Standing on a dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being physically present in a relationship doesn’t mean there is an investment being made in that relationship.
Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much. There comes a point that the only way to respond to ‘Well I’m here, aren’t I?’ is, ‘Yeah. But maybe better if you weren’t.’
12. All the work, love, compromise comes from you.
Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been.
13. When ‘no’ is a dirty word.
‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love – especially not in the name of love. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people. Communicating what you want is as important for you and the relationship as communicating what you don’t want. Find your ‘no’, give it a polish, and know where the release button is. A loving partner will respect that you’re not going to agree with everything they say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘no’ to the relationship. And if you’re worried about the gap you’re leaving, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. Problem solved.
14. The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are.
One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. It’s how we learn, how we grow, and how we find out the people who don’t deserve us. Even the most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. When those things are brought up over and over, it will slowly kill even the healthiest relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ person small. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out. Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control, shame and manipulate. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses.
15. There’s a battle – and you’re on your own. Again.
You and your partner are a team. You need to know that whatever happens, you have each other’s backs, at least publicly. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the couple comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.
16. Physical or verbal abuse.
These are deal-breakers. You know they are.
17. Too much passive-aggressive.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. The attack is subtle and often disguised as something else, such as anger disguised as indifference ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’; manipulation disguised as permission ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun,’ and the worst – a villain disguised as a hero, ‘You seem really tired baby. We don’t have to go out tonight. You just stay in and cook yourself some dinner and I’ll have a few drinks with Svetlana by myself hey? She’s been a mess since the cruise was postponed.’ You know the action or the behaviour was designed to manipulate you or hurt you, because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not obvious enough to respond to the real issue. If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behaviour shuts down any possibility of this.
18. Nothing gets resolved.
Every relationship will have its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing gets worked through because any conflict ends in an argument. There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the connection. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment.
19. Whatever you’re going through, I’m going through worse.
In a healthy relationship, both people need their turn at being the supported and the supporter. In a toxic relationship, even if you’re the one in need of support, the focus will always be on the other person. ‘Babe like I know you’re really sick and can’t get out of bed but it’s soooo stressful for me because now I have to go to the party by myself. Next Saturday I get to choose what we do. K? [sad emoji, balloon emoji, heart emoji, another heart emoji, lips emoji].’
20. Privacy? What privacy?
Unless you’ve done something to your partner that you shouldn’t have, like, you know, forgot you had one on ‘Singles Saturday’, then you deserve to be trusted. Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If your partner constantly goes through your receipts, phone bills, text messages this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. You’re an adult and don’t need constantly supervision.
21. The lies. Oh the lies!
Lying and cheating will dissolve trust as if it was never there to begin with. Once trust is so far gone, it’s hard to get it back. It might come back in moments or days, but it’s likely that it will always feel fragile – just waiting for the wrong move. A relationship without trust can turn strong, healthy people into something they aren’t naturally – insecure, jealous and suspicious. The toxicity of this lies in the slow erosion of confidence. Sometimes all the fight in the world can’t repair trust when it’s badly broken.
Know when enough is enough. It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.
Big decisions are for important people. And clearly you’re not one of them.
If you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s critical that you have a say in the decisions that will affect you. Your partner’s opinions and feelings will always be important, and so are yours. Your voice is an important one. A loving partner in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist or assume theirs are more important.
Well, I think I might be in a toxic relationship. What now?
If it’s toxic, it’s changing you and it’s time to leave or put up a very big wall. (See here for how.) Be clear about where the relationship starts and where you begin. Keep your distance emotionally and think of it as something to be managed, rather than something to be beaten or understood. Look for the patterns and look for the triggers. Then, be mindful about what is okay and what isn’t. Above all else, know that you are strong, complete and vital. Don’t buy into any tiny-hearted, close-minded push that would have you believe otherwise. You’re amazing.
And finally …
There are plenty of reasons you might end up in a toxic relationship, none of which have nothing to do with strength of character or courage.
Sometimes the toxicity grows and blindsides you and by the time you realise, it’s too late – the cost of leaving might feel too high or there may be limited options.
Toxicity in any relationship doesn’t make sense. In an attempt to make it make sense, you might blame history, circumstance or your own behaviour. The truth is that none of this matters. It doesn’t matter where the toxicity comes from or the reason for it being there.
Love and happiness don’t always go together. The world would run so much smoother if they did, but it just doesn’t happen like that. Love can be a dirty little liar sometimes. So can commitment. Staying in a relationship should never have losing yourself as one of the conditions. You’re far too important for that.
It’s important to make sacrifices in relationships but your happiness, self-esteem and self-respect should always be on the list – always. If a relationship is built on love, it nurtures, restores, replenishes and revives. It doesn’t diminish. It isn’t cruel and it doesn’t ever violate a warm, open heart. Everything you need to be happy is in you. When you are with someone who suffocates those precious parts of you, be alive to the damage they are doing. You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything. You deserve to thrive and to feel safe, and you deserve to be happy.
Want to be desirable, irresistible, and oh-so-awesome in the eyes of any guy you date? Follow these 16 tips on the dating girl code to do just that.
Every guy wants to date a nice girl.
And yet, most guys walk all over a nice girl when they fall in love with one.
As a guy, I’ve had my share of lovers.
Some girls I’ve pursued harder and some girls I’ve never given a damn about even though they were absolute stunners!
If what most people say were to be true, that guys fall for only a girl’s appearance all the time, then every single good looking girl in the world must be experiencing the best relationship in the world, wouldn’t you say?
But that’s just not true, is it?
There are so many great looking girls who are bitter in love and are walked over by guys all the time.
So what then, do guys want?
The dating code for girls
To have the best relationships of your life, you need to understand these dating girl codes. It’ll help you understand a guy’s mind better, and make him fall harder for you.
But before going any further into these dating codes for girls, let’s spend a few lines on what attracts guys to a girl and make her desirable.
Let me get this out first. A guy definitely does fall for a girl’s appearance. But it’s not as simple as it sounds. A guy won’t fall just for her appearance. He’ll fall for a girl’s perceived appearance.
If all other guys think a girl is attractive, he’ll think she’s attractive too.
But then again, a girl’s appearances may give her a second glance, and her attractiveness may draw a guy to her for a date or two. But beyond that, there’s something a lot more crucial that you need to know to keep a guy interested in you.
And that’s the real secret code behind the game of romance and making a guy fall hard for you.
The two phases of romance
To experience a happy relationship with a guy, you need to understand the two phases in romance.
The dating phase. And the relationship phase.
If you’ve been seeing a guy for less than a couple of months and haven’t given the relationship a real name, you’re in the dating phase.
And anything romantic beyond those first couple of months, you’re in the relationship phase.
If you want to experience a perfect relationship with a guy, it’s very important that you play your part well in both these phases.
In the dating phase, you need to make the guy fall for you, and you need to make him fall hard. And the girl code mentioned here will help you do just that.
The dating girl code to be a desirable girl
If you want to attract a guy you’re dating, it’s very important that you understand these girl codes on dating. If you can make a guy realize just how awesome you are right at the beginning of the dating phase, he’ll fall harder for you, be more loyal to you, and will respect you a lot because he’ll truly understand your worth.
Remember, this is the girl code on dating that’s meant to be used for the first few months of the relationship. This is not the girl code for the relationship phase.
Use this code in a new relationship when you’re still testing the water, so you can let the guy know your importance.
Just like guys have the code of chivalry to impress women, girls too need to understand this dating code to impress a guy and experience better relationships.
The 16 dating girl codes all girls need to know
During the first few months when you’re dating a guy you like, keep these 16 codes in mind and follow them. By sticking to this code, you’ll let him see for himself that you’re a catch not worth leaving.
And the best part, understanding these 16 girl codes is the difference between the girls who are desired and the girls who are always walked over!
1. Don’t misunderstand the art of playing hard to get.
Guys may claim they hate girls who can’t commit within the first three dates. But the only girls guys actually desire and fall for madly are the ones who leave men hanging without any reassurances.
Test it yourself. If a nice guy has a huge crush on you and follows you like a lapdog everywhere you go, wouldn’t you treat him carelessly compared to another guy who flirts with you, but doesn’t try hard to please you? That’s called human nature. We always chase what we’re afraid we can’t have.
2. Don’t fall for the test.
At the beginning of a relationship, the guy you date will test the waters. He may avoid calling you for a couple of days or he may ask for favors sometimes sexual just to see how compromising and accommodating you are. Don’t fall for it. If you don’t like doing something or don’t want to do something, stand your ground. He’ll respect you more.
Loving couple in bed. Beautiful young loving couple lying in bed and kissing
3. You’re not in love.
When you start dating a guy, even though you feel like you’ve fallen madly in love with him, don’t say it out just yet. Pretend like you’re old fashioned and wait for him to say that he loves you first. If a guy knows you’re madly in love with him even before he’s fallen for you, he’ll always take you for granted, even if he doesn’t realize it himself!
4. Don’t change your life.
Remember, this new guy you’re dating is only a part of your life. He’s not your whole life. If you place him on a pedestal and devote all your time to him, he’ll treat you just the way you’re behaving, like a slave. Don’t change your life overnight just because you’re dating a guy. Changing all your plans just to accommodate him will only show him how crazy you are about him.
5. Don’t whine. Don’t beg.
The more you whine, the easier you are to read. If he doesn’t call you for a couple of days or if he cancels on a date in the last minute, don’t sulk or let him know you’re upset. Instead, just ignore him for a few days. If he really is trying to impress you and not just sleep with you, the fact that you seem so unbothered will threaten him and even scare him.
6. The controlling boyfriend.
A controlling boyfriend isn’t born that way. He’s created that way by you and the way you behave around him. Put your foot down and do what you want. Don’t stop talking to a guy who’s flirting with you, or don’t stop talking to an ex just because the guy you’re dating says so. By doing that, you’re only letting the guy you’re dating know that he can manipulate you and control you. You’re only dating him, he doesn’t have a say about the way you lead your life, at least not yet.
7. Don’t bend over backwards.
If you want to make a guy like you, don’t go all out and try to please him. Most nice girls try really hard to please a guy, and go all the way from calling him over and cooking him a four course meal to spending all weekend shopping for his clothes.
Don’t bend over backwards and try to please him within the first few dates. When you’re so easy to get and so eager to please, the guy you like start to take you for granted even before both of you are in a relationship.
8. Don’t be predictable.
Don’t let him read you like a book. Block yourself emotionally to him so you seem harder to read, which makes you harder to impress, which then makes you a lot more desirable and attractive.
9. Don’t miss him.
Don’t let him know you miss him. By letting a guy you’ve been dating for a month know that you miss him or need him in your life, you’re letting him see that his hook’s caught deep in your heart. That’s his cue to sit back and take it easy, so he can watch you do all the hard work now. He’ll assume he’s done his part in wooing you, and now it’s your turn to please him and keep him happy.
10. Don’t talk about the future together.
Unless you’re in a serious relationship where there’s a lot of mutual love and trust, avoid talking about the future together with the guy you’re dating. When you’re in a new relationship, always leave the man guessing about where the relationship is heading. Likewise, avoid talking about your past and your exes too.
11. Don’t change your status.
Don’t give your relationship a name just yet. There are a few girls who want the guy to name the relationship within a few weeks of dating. They can’t wait to change their facebook relationship status to share the news with the world. Don’t be that girl.
12. Don’t share your life all at once.
Communication and understanding each other completely is very important for a successful relationship. But it’s irrelevant when you’re still dating and evaluating each other as dating potentials. If you reveal everything about yourself at once, you’ll start to get boring and predictable within the next few dates.
13. Don’t have sex.
This may sound traditional, but you don’t really need to follow the three date rule before having sex with the guy you’re dating. The longer you wait, the more you’ll build the sexual tension and the attraction. Don’t give in easily, and make the guy work harder. It’ll make him realize you’re not an easy catch, and that would make him take you more seriously.
14. Self respect.
In your pursuit to impress the guy you’re dating, don’t shove your self respect under the mat. Respect yourself and don’t let him take you for granted, either by making you wait for an hour during a date, or when he cancels a date to be with his friends in the last minute.
Ignore his calls for a day or two if you must. When he does come by to your place with a bunch of flowers to apologize to you, pretend like his behavior didn’t bother you at all, and you’ve been so busy you haven’t had time to think about him. Even if he knows you’re lying, your behavior will make him feel insecure and work harder to make it up to you.
15. Keep yourself busy.
Keep him guessing. Don’t be the girl who says “I’m so bored at home and am doing absolutely nothing at all.” Be the girl who’s always doing something. Don’t be easily available to him even if you’re idle. Have a life and keep yourself occupied all the time. The more you have fun in your own life, the more desirable you’ll be and the easier it’ll be for you to treat this guy as a part of your life and not your whole life.
16. Be a challenge.
Men love challenges. Don’t be easy to please and don’t be easy to win over. It’s alright to behave like a high maintenance woman or a brat who throws a hissy fit now and then. By doing that, you’re shaking his confidence up. If he truly likes you and is interested in dating you, he’ll try harder to please you.
And when you do get into a relationship with him after a few months, he’ll love you more and respect you more because he had to work so hard to win you over in the first place.
These dating girl codes may seem harsh, but you need to remember this. Guys value something only when they have to work hard to achieve it. Be nice to him, but don’t bend over backwards to please him, at least not for the first few months.
WHEN YOU THINK YOUR MARRIAGE is in trouble, it’s natural to want all the information you can gather.
The fact is that there is only one person who can provide you with this information – your husband. Unfortunately, the highest likelihood is that he will not be forthcoming.
He may still be undecided
Your husband may not be talking about divorce because he has genuinely not decided if he is going to leave. There may be times when he is away from you and he is sure that he wants to leave. But when he spends time with you or he sees the children, he changes his mind and wishes things could go well between you.
Also, if your husband really cares about your marriage, he may still want to give your marriage the best chance for survival. Even if you press him for information, what you get may be premature because he also doesn’t know what he wants at this point.
All marriages go through phases of doubts, fights, blame, and tension. Just because you are going through a difficult period in your marriage does not mean that your marriage is in trouble.
Some signs of a breaking marriage are obvious while others are subtle. Noticing warning signs is essential in salvaging your marriage or ensuring that you do not get the short end of the stick should your husband go through with the divorce.
Here are the 10 Signs your husband truly wants a divorce
1. There is no communication
One of the pillars of a healthy marriage is effective communication. Although lack of communication may have contributed to the deterioration of your relationship, further changes in your husband’s communication patterns may signal that it is truly over.
2. He attacks you instead of the problem
When you discuss the issues in your marriage
Does your husband do it in a way that implies something is wrong with you?
Are you always wrong while he is always right?
Does he end up attacking your character or personality instead of focusing on the issues?
Does he use generalization; ‘you always,’ ‘you never…….’
Do you lately feel under attack from your husband anytime you have a serious discussion?
This is could be an indication that your husband is no longer interested in the marriage.
3. Your husband expresses his contempt towards you
You will notice that his comments towards you have changed from affectionate to critical. He will criticize your weight, appearance and everything else in between.
Does your husband mock you, call you names, roll his eyes or becomes hurtfully sarcastic when you bring issues up? Does he attack your self-worth? Your husband is no longer interested in solving issues, an indication that he is no longer interested in this marriage.
4. Your husband is always on the defensive
Your husband treats every discussion like an attack. He keeps acting like a victim and makes lots of excuses. He will ignore everything you say and counter it with complaints. He will also stonewall and walk out of conversations.
These signs show that your husband is no longer interested in communicating with you and he no longer cares about how your arguments turn out. They also indicate that he thinks that finding a solution is pointless.
This behavior also shows that your husband has stopped caring and he is unwilling to put any more emotional investment in something he no longer believes in.
5. Change of focus
Is your husband spending more time away from home than normal? Has he put more of himself into his work, business, children, friendships or hobbies? Does he seem to care more about his appearance? Has he changed his looks significantly?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, your husband might be working towards a divorce. Also, if your husband has made significant changes in his routine, he could be building a separate social life in preparation for divorce or dating.
6. Your husband has started to move money around
Is your husband transferring money around without informing you? Probably withdrawing from the joint account or having salary deposited into a new account under his name?
Maybe he used to receive bonuses at work but he has not received them for some time, yet you know that he should be receiving them. He is either supporting someone else or anticipating a split.
A sudden change in behavior concerning money could be a sign that your husband wants to leave the marriage. This is especially the case if you have been making your financial decisions together. If his behavior is inconsistent with previous agreements, it is the clearest indication that your relationship is on the rocks.
Divorce never starts without careful financial planning. Your husband’s peculiar interest in financial matters is probably an indication that he is seeing an attorney who is asking him questions that he does not have an answer to.
7. Hidden Assets
One of the most obvious red flags for an impending divorce is your husband hiding assets.
You may notice new bank statements in the mail or realize that old statements are no longer coming. You may also find that you can no longer log into online Accounts. You may realize that your husband is lying about taxes and income.
If you notice suspicious activities of this nature, it could mean that your husband is hiding assets. Likely to protect them from the property division part of the upcoming divorce.
8. Your husband has withdrawn his affection
If your husband has become emotionally distant, this is a strong indication that he has checked out of the marriage.
Although it is common for the frequency of sexual intercourse to fluctuate in the course of a marriage, what is not normal is for a husband to avoid any form of intimacy with you.
If you realize that your husband rebuffs your efforts to be intimate with him, he is probably sharing that intimacy with another person and considering a divorce.
9. Your husband is reluctant to make joint decisions about the future
Is your husband reluctant to discuss the possibility of having another child? Does he no longer want to invest in a new home, even when you have considered it in the past, and you can afford it? What about vacations and plans for the summer? Is he avoiding a discussion about those too?
If your husband has suddenly stopped participating in decisions involving your future together, it is a huge red flag. The reason for your husband’s refusal to commit to the future could be that he doesn’t see you having one together.
10. Your husband withdraws physically
When you first met you were always physically close. There was plenty of sex and it was great. Now he seems withdrawn.
Some men have a hard time being physical with a woman they feel detached from. So him pulling away from sex can be a sign.
So what now..?
Just because your husband is exhibiting these behavior doesn’t mean he is definitely filing for a divorce. It could simply indicate that there is trouble in your relationship and if you act now, you could turn things around before matters get any worse.
If you answered yes to 5 or more of the points above then it’s time to take action. It’s quite unlikely with this many signs that it is a coincidence.
If you are not sure what the next steps are to recovering your marriage then there are specialists who can help. You can look at going to marriage counseling which is more of a formal step and may help your marriage.
However, if you want to start now and/or you don’t think he will agree to any formal solutions then there are other options that specialists in marriage breakdown usually put together with more ‘DIY’ programs. See if you can explore some of them.
Every now and then, human beings make errors of judgment and bad decisions which leads us to a place we don’t want to find ourselves.
IF YOU ARE trying to dig yourself out of the enormity of an affair, and now you desire to fight for your marriage, this might just be for you.
But first things first. Can your marriage be saved? The answer is yes!
It is very possible to rebuild your marriage if you are willing to do the work. Experts in relationship breakdown indicate that your ability to save your marriage has less to do with the circumstances of the affair but the responses of both you and your husband towards the affair.
Marriages do not end because of the infidelity; they end because of how infidelity is dealt with. Psychology Today.
Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, indicates that couples divorce after affairs because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.
In a study, the highest divorce rate was among couples who had secret infidelity at 80%. In contrast in marriages where the affair did come to light, the divorce rate was 43%.
The study had further good news for couples who stayed together after an affair. Both infidelity and non-infidelity couples had similar levels of marital stability, and they were indistinguishable in their relationship satisfaction at the five-year mark.
So, you see, your affair is devastating but it is not necessarily disastrous for the long haul. Your marriage can rise from these ashes and thrive once again.
Take full responsibility for the affair
This seems obvious, but it is not. Many times, wives justify their affair by blaming their husband. ‘He was not meeting all my needs, so I turned to another man’. Here’s the truth; no matter what state your marriage was in when you cheated, you made the decision to be unfaithful.
You had other choices. There were certainly contributing factors in your decision to break your marriage vows. However, you must take full responsibility for your decision.
Do not justify your infidelity! Do not give excuses and flimsy reasons. Do not blame your husband for your actions!
Look your husband in the eye and sincerely apologize; without any Buts! Tell your husband that you will do whatever it takes to fix the situation and help him heal from the pain that you have caused him.
Server your relationship with the other man
The priority right now is to help your husband to recover, which may involve significant life changes. An affair with someone in your social groups means that you may have to change your friends; an affair at work may mean that you find another job.
The bottom line is, do whatever it takes to server all contacts with the third party.
Rebuild your husband’s trust
You must commit to live a transparent life in order to win your husband’s trust.
Prepare to be more open and honest than you have ever been. Your husband will want to know where you are and what you are doing, and obviously with who.
And you’re going to have to deal with this until he trusts you again. You did major damage to the trust in your marriage and be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust:
Always be on time
Do what you say will do
Answer all your husband’s questions
Your husband will want a lot of information: who, what, when, where, why, including the gory details. Your natural inclination will be to lessen the blow by withholding information. Unfortunately, the truth always comes out in time. Withholding information will destroy any hope of rebuilding trust.
According to Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, earning back your husband’s trust calls for you to be upfront with him about the extent of the affair. Caroline indicates many spouses who have been cheated on leave the marriage not because of the affair, but because of the drip, drip, drip, of the truth.
Just when the spouse is getting used to the facts that have been revealed and is starting to adjust and trust again, more information surfaces. Be completely honest at the very beginning so that your husband can decide if he can forgive you with his eyes wide open.
Bear in mind that your husband’s life has been turned upside down and he needs all the information in order to make sense of it. It is not up to you but up to your husband to determine what he needs to know.
Why talking about it is important
Equally important in answering your husband’s questions is that you should be willing to keep answering them for as long as they need to ask. It is this willingness that demonstrates your commitment to the marriage.
Research by Dr. Peggy Vaughn revealed that couples are likely to save their marriage after infidelity when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation. Her study showed that:
55% of a couple who discussed the situation very little was still married
78% of couples who addressed the situation a good bit remained married
86% of couples who discussed the unfaithfulness a lot remained married.
Thus, the extent to which a couple discussed the affair was significantly associated with the likelihood of saving the marriage.
In addition, Dr. Vaughn’s research revealed that a couple is more likely to remain married when the cheating spouse answered their partner’s questions.
59% of those who refused to answer questions remained married.
81% of couples whose cheating partner responded to some of their questions remained married
86% of couples whose offending partners answered all their partner’s questions remained married. Thus, the extent to which the cheating spouse responded to questions was significantly associated with the degree of success in saving the marriage.
Patience! Patience! Patience!
Patience will be one of your greatest tools in getting through the process of rebuilding your marriage. Just because you feel that you have done all you could to deal with the situation, or think that you have dealt with it long and deeply enough does not mean your husband feels the same way.
Your husband is the one who was betrayed. It is unrealistic for you to decide when the affair should be a closed chapter. Efforts to move on will be futile until your husband feels that he has healed.
Recommit to your husband
Reiterate to your husband that you are all in and you are willing to do whatever it takes to fight for your relationship. Do not be in a hurry to move on. If you want to truly save your marriage, you and your husband should ask yourselves a few essential questions:
How did you get here? In other words, what are the underlying reasons for the affair? Experts encourage that you both spend a lot of time pondering and reflecting on this question.
What does your husband need to heal completely? (e.g., he may require that you seek professional counseling)
What are you doing to ensure that another affair doesn’t happen? You need to learn how to establish boundaries in your other relationships because affairs are essentially boundary violations.
If you move forward in this marriage what are you committing to? This might be the single most important question you can address as a couple as you move forward. An honest discussion of this question will enable you to reboot your relationship.
Experts say that recovery from infidelity is no different than any other serious life challenge. Contained within its experience are both pain and opportunity. Together with your husband, you can leverage this opportunity to rebuild a fantastic marriage.
You can birth a new marriage from the ashes and debris of the impending divorce and create a legacy of renewal.
Think of what an incredible experience to work through what could be defeat and come out on top. You will be stronger. Your marriage will be stronger, and your family would be stronger.
There is nothing like adversity to make a relationship stronger.
So if you have decided you want to keep your marriage together, it’s time to get practical about it
Getting practical about saving your marriage
For instance, how will you deal with these situations…?
How will you help your husband get over the pain of being cheated on?
What will you tell the kids about the change in your relationship they have noticed?
What will your daily routine look like if your husband says he wants some space and decides to move to another room or out of the house?
Although these questions are a little uncomfortable, they are something you need to think of
But you aren’t the first person in this situation… and there are resources that can help you along the way
For more in-depth information and advice on repairing a marriage, I recommend watching this short video
It explains how you can save your marriage, even if you are the only one trying
If it feels like he wants to throw in the towel, then this video might be the most important video that you ever watch.
HAS YOUR HUSBAND ASKED YOU for a divorce but says that he will miss you and doesn’t want to give you up? Does he keep sending you mixed signals? Does he go as far as wanting to make love with you? You are frustrated and very confused.
Are you wondering ‘What does he really want?’ Because when you decide to divorce your spouse, aren’t you letting them go in every sense of the word?
Contrary to what you may think, many spouses have reported continuing having sex with their soon to be ex-spouses for a variety of reasons. After all, sex with your almost sex is familiar, probably comforting and the absurdity and the naughtiness makes it all too hot.
Why your soon to be ex-husband wants to have sex with you
Your husband could be finding sex with you familiar and convenient, even though you are separated. He knows what he is getting. He may not be ready to date, but he still gets his needs met in the comfort of your home.
Being intimate could be part of the grieving process for him: the funeral sex. Sex at this stage could really be a way for him to grieve, heal and say goodbye to you.
Again, it could be because of the looming divorce, things are much nicer and calmer. There is no fighting, and the pressure is off. You have gotten some me-time, you are taking care of yourself and you have probably started working out. You’re looking much better than you have looked in a long time and he has noticed. He is attracted to you all over again.
It could also be that your husband is conflicted about the looming divorce. This can especially be the case when he sees how much you are hurting. Having sex with you could be his way of comforting you.
Your husband could be finding it hard to turn off his feelings for you. Just because he wants to divorce you does not necessarily mean that he no longer loves you or that he doesn’t wish that things were different. He is probably only dissatisfied with the marriage he has with you at present, but he does not know how to fix things. Feelings do not just disappear just because the marriage is in trouble.
Sex: To have it or not
The little window of time between the separation and divorce is very significant; a lot of important things can happen. It is also when a definite decision will be made to either save or kill the marriage. Many times, you will be willing to do whatever you need to do to keep your family together: including having sex with your spouse.
This is completely honorable considering how much you desire to save your marriage. However, it is highly advisable that you should have sex with your eyes wide open (no pun intended).
Why you should make love with your separated husband
Many times, a marriage could be in trouble despite the fact that the spouses love each other. The love is there, but the ability to make a healthy and fulfilling marriage is not.
Your husband may therefore still have loving feelings towards you only that he does not know how to make your marriage more fulfilling. If you perceive this to the case, then, by all means, go ahead and sleep with your husband. During sex, oxytocin is produced. Oxytocin is also produced during touching and kissing with the highest amounts being released during orgasm.
Oxytocin is a powerful hormone that plays a significant role in bonding spouses together. Having sex may, therefore, set both of you on a journey back to closeness.
Of course, sex alone will not fix your marriage since there is something that is keeping the feelings between the two of you from being sufficient to make your husband stay. You must, therefore, work through whatever the issues might be:
A conflict that keeps cropping up
Lack of intimacy and therefore drifting apart
As you work through your problems, sex will help your feelings to once again take the center stage, followed by the commitment to your marriage.
The big question is, is your husband honest when he says that he still loves you?
Reasons to not have sex with your separated husband
Do you want to save your marriage or just let go? Do you still love your partner? Is your marriage worth saving? Is there any chance of saving your marriage? Only you can answer these questions.
If you have no desire to save your marriage, having sex with your husband is probably a bad idea. Having sex with your husband will not only slow down your healing process but severely compromise your efforts to move on.
Having sex with your husband is also inadvisable if he is involved with another person sexually. Even if you saved this marriage, you would have given your husband the message that you are willing to be intimate with him even when you know he is concurrently having sexual relations with someone else. Is this the message you want to send?
Also, it is almost impossible to compete with an illicit lover. Illicit love is very exciting: the exaggeration of the emotions and the thrill of doing something forbidden. You will find it hard to match up to your husband’s illicit sex when you are emotionally drained by your impending divorce.
If your husband has truly decided to end your marriage, the bonding and closeness that sex brings might set you up for disappointment. If he insists on moving on, having sex with him will set you up for more misery by creating within yourself false hope.
So, what do we say about having sex with your husband even after he has asked for you for a divorce? The decision is yours.
Just a small word of caution, though. Do not allow sex with your partner to go on for too long if he is not deciding to get back together with you. You will be stuck in ‘Limbo land,’ and it won’t be good for you.
Also, bear in mind that there is no such thing as meaningless sex with someone whom you still have feelings for. And you can never call it casual when you are embroiled in the inherent misery of a looming divorce.
Many women have experienced the pain and confusion that inevitably accompanies sex with a soon to be ex. If it is clear you are headed for a divorce, put on the breaks.
Give yourself and your marriage some space. You have many decisions to make and negotiations to settle. You need to navigate the divorce with a clear mind. Love yourself enough to allow yourself time and distance to move on.
If you were asking ‘WHY Is MY HUSBAND STILL SLEEPING With ME When HE WANTS a DIVORCE’ I hope this has gone some way to answering your questions.
Has your husband stopped loving you?
Is there another woman?
What happened to his sexual desire?
Does he really care?
These thoughts can go round and round in your head when your husband withdraws sexually. But although you may feel alone, you are not the only one this happens to. This story repeats itself in many bedrooms all over the world.
The myth that men want to have sex all the time is simply not accurate
According to experts, almost all marriages go through periods when the husband experiences lower sex drive than his wife.
A study that appeared in the Live Science Magazine revealed that 14.4 percent of the men surveyed indicated having experienced lack of sexual desire lasting two or more months within the previous year. Another research showed that 15% to 16% of men lose interest in sex at some point in their lives.
Contrary to popular belief, men and women are not that different concerning sexuality and desire. Experts say that in marriage, it is about 50 / 50. 50% of the time, the wife demands sex more than the husband while 50% of the time, the husband wants sex and the wife doesn’t.
Why doesn’t your husband want to have sex with you?
According to the sex therapists, lack of sex is a symptom, not the root of problems in your marriage. It is truly not about sex. Sex does not happen in a vacuum; it occurs within the quality and context of your relationship. Therefore, emotional disconnection, stress, communication problems, and health issues: all these will affect your husband’s ability and willingness to have sex with you.
Some of the reasons why your husband may not be having sex with you include:
1. He is depressed and not feeling like he wants to have sex
Your husband’s sex drive is wrapped up in his concept of manhood. When he feels like a man, he will want to make love. On the other hand, if he feels like he has lost his masculinity, he won’t. So, the question begs, what does it take for your husband to not feel like a man? When:
2. Your husband is not making any progress at his workplace
He feels like he is not achieving his dreams and goals
He feels like he is letting you down
There is extreme tension in your marriage, and he feels like he doesn’t have a solution
All these can radically decrease your husband’s interest in sex. A man whose masculinity is scarred will definitely have his sexual desire affected.
3. Your husband is struggling to connect with you on an emotional level
This may be news to you if you believe that only women need to bond emotionally to take pleasure in sex. If you have been emotionally distant from your husband because of pressures at work or other commitments, you may have made him feel unloved and neglected. Your husband should never feel unappreciated or as if you are merely tolerating him: He will find it hard to be intimate with you.
4. He is no longer attracted to you
If there has been a lot of negative energy in your relationship, your husband might desire you less. Are you always nagging your husband, criticizing him and putting him down? Evaluate your treatment of your husband and see whether you could be doing anything to drive him away.
The same will happen if your husband feels like you have lost respect for him. No matter how long the two of you have been married; your husband still needs to feel that he is a hero to you.
Experts also indicate that weight gain and changes in your appearance might affect your husband’s attraction to you. The problem isn’t love; it is sex.
5. He may be having an affair
If you have done all you can to revive your husband’s interest in making love and still been unsuccessful, an extramarital affair probably explains it.
A man who has transferred his desire elsewhere will not desire to have sex with you. He may not even be having an affair but he is probably involved with pornography, or he is having an affair with himself; engaging in too much masturbation. All these things can definitely contribute to your husband feeling less concerned about engaging in sex with you.
6. Low sex drive
Your husband could be dealing with low libido. Physical issues like underlying sicknesses and low testosterone will undoubtedly cause low sex drive. The good thing with this issue is that it is easy to fix as long as your husband visits a doctor. So, what can you do to rekindle the intimacy with your husband?
7. Acknowledge that there is a problem
The first thing that you must do is raise the issue with your husband. How you bring up the subject with your husband will significantly determine your success in solving the problem. Your husband, like many other men, will find it hard to talk about his loss of desire for sex.
Experts indicate that masculinity and virility are intimately connected. Your husband will, therefore, be uncomfortable with self-disclosure. Remember, if he especially has a low sex drive, he is terrified even to think that he doesn’t desire sex, let alone admit it.
This topic might be embarrassing and even humiliating for your husband, so how you communicate with him is very crucial.
8. If he is no longer attracted to you
If your husband just doesn’t desire to have sex with you anymore, this is the clearest indication of underlying issues in your relationship. Do you and your husband have unresolved issues? Is your emotional connection what it used to be when you first got married? Does your husband still feel respected and admired by you? Is he still attracted to you? How is the communication with your husband?
Express genuine desire to know what the problem is and show your willingness to work with your husband to make your relationship fulfilling to both of you once again.
9. If he is experiencing low libido
If your husband lets out that he is having a physical issue like erectile dysfunction, do not panic or overreact. Making a big deal out of your husband’s problem will make him even more nervous about his performance. He may eventually shut down.
10. Ban sex for a while
This measure may sound counterproductive, but as you and your husband seek a solution to the problem, you should try some non-sexy things: Taking baths together, giving each other massages. This will take the pressure off your husband as he actively seeks for a solution to the problem.
11. Your husband carries a heavy burden
Whatever the reason for the decrease in sexual desire, your husband is already carrying a heavy load and probably feels as alone in his pain as you.
The anger, pain, and confusion you feel for your husband’s inability or unwillingness to meet your needs for love and sexual fulfillment cannot compare with the burden of inadequacy that your husband carries.
He yearns to be a competent husband. His sense of accomplishment and confidence is tied to his ability to perform in all areas, including sexually.
12. You are not the victim
As such, when approaching your husband, start from a place of curiosity instead of blame. Let him know that you love him and you want your marriage to work. Let him feel that you are a team and you will get through the problem together.
Your reassurance, acceptance, affirmation and comfort will significantly speed up your husband’s recovery process. Be gentle and empathetic with your husband and let him know that you are willing to work with him through whatever the issue is.
If you were asking ‘WHY Is MY HUSBAND STILL SLEEPING With ME When HE WANTS a DIVORCE’ I hope this has gone some way to answering your questions.
1. Do the things you did the first year you were dating.
As the months and years roll on, we tend to slink into our proverbial sweatpants and get lazy in our relationship. We lose our patience, gentleness, thoughtfulness, understanding and the general effort we once made toward our mate. Think back to the first year of your relationship and write down all the things you used to do for your partner. Now start doing them again.
2. Ask for what you want.
Over time, we assume that our partner knows us so well that we don’t need to ask for what we want. What happens when we make this assumption? Expectations are set and just as quickly, they get deflated. Those unmet expectations can leave us questioning the viability of our partnership and connection. Keep in mind that “asking for what you want” extends to everything from emotional to sexual wants.
3. Become an expert on your partner.
Think about who your mate really is and what excites him or her (both physically and emotionally). We can become consumed by what WE THINK he or she wants, as opposed to tuning in to what truly resonates with the other person. Remember that if it’s important to your partner, it doesn’t have to make sense to you. You just have to do it.
4. Don’t ask “how was your day.”
At the end of a long day, we tend to mentally check out of our lives and consequently, our relationship. We rely on the standard question, “How was your day?” Generally, that boring question will yield a boring answer such as, “Fine, how was yours?” This does nothing to improve your connection and instead, can actually damage it because you’re losing the opportunity to regularly connect in a small way.
Instead, try asking things like, What made you smile today? or “What was the most challenging part of your day?” You’ll be amazed at the answers you’ll get, with the added benefit of gaining greater insight into your significant other.
5. Create a weekly ritual to check in with one another.
It can be short or long but it begins with asking each other what worked and didn’t work about the previous week and what can be done to improve things this coming week. Additionally, use this opportunity to get on the same page with your schedules, plan a date night and talk about what you would like to see happen in the coming days, weeks, and months in your relationship. Without an intentional appointment to do a temperature check, unmet needs and resentments can build.
6. Keep it sexy.
What might change in your relationship if both you and your partner committed to increasing the behaviors you each find sexy and limiting those that aren’t? Think about this in the broadest form. “Sexy” can certainly refer to bedroom preferences, but it also represents what excites us about our mate in our day-to-day lives. Do you find it sexy if he/she helps with the housework? Do you find it “unsexy” when he/she uses the restroom with the door wide open? Talk about what it specifically means to “keep it sexy” in your relationship. Be amazed, be humored, be inspired!
7. Get creative about the time you spend together.
Break out of the “dinner and a movie” routine and watch how a little novelty can truly rejuvenate your relationship. On a budget and can’t go big? Jump on the internet to look for “cheap date ideas” and be blown away at the plethora of options. Can’t afford a sitter? Try swapping babysitting time with friends that have kids. It’s free and they will likely be thrilled to take your kids because they will get to take advantage when they drop their kids at your place.
8. Get it on.
Unless you have committed to an asexual partnership, sex, sexual contact and touching (kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc.) are vital components of a romantic relationship. The frequency is of course, up to you and it’s imperative that you discuss your ideas about it in order to prevent resentment. Rare are the moments when both partners are “in the mood” at the exact same second, but that doesn’t mean that you have to decline their advances. Remind yourself that you will almost always “get there” after the first few minutes and that an intimate interaction of any kind builds connection and elevates your mood and health. Bear in mind that you are never required to say “yes.” If you truly don’t feel it, the best thing you can do is to postpone. Just make sure that you initiate or accept within a reasonable amount of time thereafter.
9. Take a (mental) vacation, everyday.
Life and work distractions can become paramount in our minds and that leaves little time or energy for our partner. Practice the art of “Wearing the Relationship Hat.” This means that (barring any emergencies or deadlines), we are fully present when we’re with our mate. We truly hear what they are saying (instead of pretending to listen), we leave our distractions behind and we don’t pick them up again until the sun comes up and we walk out the door.
Here are some tips to improve communication
Sadly, we aren’t born with the innate ability to effectively communicate but it doesn’t mean that we can’t learn. Use the following techniques to better navigate and limit the tension in your relationship:
10. Take “fight breaks” when you need them.
Before you’ve hit the point of no return and as you see the stress beginning to escalate, one or both of you can call a break so that cooler heads can prevail. The crux of this tool lies in the fact that you must pick a specific time to revisit the conversation (I.e. 10 minutes from now, 2:00pm on Tuesday etc.) so that closure can be achieved.
11. Dig deep to unearth your true feelings.
In most disagreements, we communicate from the “Top Layer,” which are the obvious emotions such as anger, annoyance and the like. Leading from this place can create confusion, defensiveness and ultimately distract from the real issue. Start communicating from the “Bottom Layer” (i.e. What feelings are really driving your reactions such as disappointment, rejection, loneliness, disrespect etc.).
This type of expression creates an instant sense of empathy because it requires honesty and vulnerability to share from this space. Tension will dissipate and from here, solutions can spring. Just be sure to use kind, non-reactive phrasing when expressing these bottom layer feelings, such as “I felt hurt by…” as a replacement for “You’re such a jerk” etc.
12. Seek to understand … not agree.
Easy in concept, difficult in application. Conversations quickly turn to arguments when we’re invested in hearing our partner admit that we were right or when we are intent on changing his/her opinion. Choose to approach a conversation as an opportunity to understand your significant other’s perspective as opposed to waiting for them to concede. From this perspective, we have an interesting dialogue and prevent a blow out or lingering frustration.
13. Make your apology count.
It’s well understood that apologizing is a good thing but it only makes a real impact when you mean it. Saying things like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you see it that way” are a waste of time and breath. Even if you don’t agree that your action was wrong, you will never successfully argue a feeling.
Accept that your mate feels hurt and from this place, a real apology can have a significant impact. When you love your partner and hurt them (intentionally or not) you can always legitimately apologize for the pain you caused regardless of your perspective on what you did or didn’t do.
You are now, officially armed with the comprehensive exercise routine to fully reshape your relationship. Trim the fat and build your hottest relationship for life!